Random Excuse Generator

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Sorry honey, we can't have sex tonight because it's not Saturday.

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I Need An Excuse!!

Need an excuse? You're in the right place!

Be honest, we all use excuses now and again, those little white lies that help us out when the friend we really don't want to talk to calls, or last night has meant going to work in the morning is a thought that fills you with dread. But, sometimes, isn't it so that the excuses we use are just that little bit too tired? A friend of mine once sent a note to school excusing him from PE lessons, 'signed' by his father but written in his own handwriting. It didn't work - he was made to run five miles across country in the pouring rain. In fact, getting out of school is easy: simply ask one of your friends to ring up and say you're sick (you'll repay the favour one day) or claim, yet again, that your granny, the dog, the cat or the goldfish has died. Well, perhaps not the goldfish, but the rest will suffice.

Not done the homework?

And when it comes to homework, what to tell the teacher when you've been too busy on the Playstation to get those maths questions done? Ever tried 'the dog ate my homework?' It doesn't work, even when it is true: my dog did once eat my homework, but I still got a detention and one hundred lines. A better one is to cite some family crisis - a brother or sister in hospital, a granny or aunt on her last legs, for instance. Illnesses are always useful, but it remains a fact that the number of family members with critical conditions grows as the homework becomes heavier and more demanding. Here are a few choice tips for not doing homework excuses, all sure to fool teacher:

  • The wind blew it away;

  • I've gone blind/deaf/dumb;

  • I can no longer speak English;

  • I was mugged.

Those are dead certs, believe me, especiailly if your teacher is new, young, and worried.

Skiving off work

Of course, it's not just those at school who need copious excuses, for the appeal of skiving persists long after we have left the halls of education and traipsed out into the big, wide world. Once you get your first job, you will need to build up a good armoury of excuses in order to counteract the effects of a hangover. Once you've had plenty jobs, you'll be an acknowledged expert, and the fount of all knowledge when it comes to dishing out excuses to your boss. By this stage in life, of course, your granny has died at least ten times, you have six brothers and sisters in states of permanent illness and a veritable zoo's worth of pets with which to concoct excuses. Also, with the joys of adulthood comes the car, the best of all not going to work excuses.

The car - an essential tool in the formation of excuses

The car has many functions; it can fail to start, it can break down, or it can be towed away by the police and it can be stolen. The latter is very useful; indeed ion terms of not going to work excuses, as waking up in the morning and finding a stolen car not only means you can't go to work until later, but the entire day will be spent telling the police what happened! Of course, the very helpful constabulary will miraculously discover you car just before five o'clock, and you can drive to work happily the next morning. On the subject of cars and the police, we arrive at the blight of all drivers - speeding.

Is your wife having a baby?

Excuses for speeding are not luxuries, they are necessities. We all break the speed limit - it's in our genetic make up, it can't be helped, and besides, the car just goes very fast without me asking it to. The perennial favourite when collared is 'My wife is having a baby'. This can result in one of two responses - either the policeman will laugh at you, and hand you a ticket, or you will find yourself in a high speed dash to the nearest maternity unit between two police cars with sirens and blue lights flashing, and have to rush into the hospital and grab a baby and a wife to make it look like they are yours. Of course, this will result in your arrest for a different offence, but at least you have no speeding ticket!

Advice for women

If you're a woman, however, your wife is unlikely to be having a baby, and neither, for that matter, is your husband. The advice for women stopped by the police is a simple, and very effective speeding excuse: turn on the waterworks! Yes, cry like a baby and prey on the police officers natural instinct to be nice to a damsel in distress, give it the full works and blubber on about how you've just split up wit your boyfriend, the house has been repossessed, you've lost your job and your make up is smudged, and you'll be sure to get a reprieve. Don't, however, offer to have sex with the policeman in turn for no points on your licence. This is bribery of an illicit nature; money is more readily acceptable.

What, no sex?

Which leads us on to the final area that we, as adults, need to consider: the not wanting to have sex excuse. Now, I know there are those among you - both men and women - who question the necessity of this excuse but, believe me, we are not all rampant sex maniacs like you. Some of us, indeed, are so sick of having sex that we never wish to do so again. Unless, that is, it is with Claudia Schiffer/Brad Pitt. Or both, come to think of it. The girls have the best not having sex excuses, for the 'headache' and 'washing my hair' lines really work. It's not that they are excuses, but that they are accepted as euphemisms for 'not tonight, thanks'. For men, it's much harder, but I find the following to be successful: 'No, I find you very ugly'. Yes, it really is that simple to find an excuse for not having sex. Or, as we've seen, for not going to school, doing your homework, going to work and for speeding. Just remember, keep it real, and keep a note of how often your granny has died by the time you are 21.

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